Here’s an article I wrote for Dirt.com that was rejected due to their no religion/no politics policy. Luckily for me, Tumblr has no such limitations. 

 For centuries man has been plagued by the origin of our species. Where did we come from? Where do we go when we die? Why do we listen to Justine Beiber on repeat on our way to work? Well forget about evolution, Darwin and intelligent design. Better yet, forget about intelligence all together because I’m about let you in on a little secret. Actors/prophets such as Tom Cruise and John Travolta have already paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to know the Truth. But I’m giving it to you here for free!

WARNING: The following may cause stomach pains, diarrhea, death and complete disassociation with reality:

75 million years ago Earth (then know as Teegeeack) was part of a cluster of stars and planets known as the Galactic Confederacy, lead by warlord Xenu. As planets faced overpopulation and depleted resources, Xenu, with the help of Nazi psychiatrists, took millions of his own people to Teegeeack, tied them to volcanoes, and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. The souls of the dead aliens were vacuumed up, brainwashed with subliminal films a la Clockwork orange, and let loose where they then attached themselves to the bodies of those who survived the blast. To this day, these alien souls are the cause of all our ailments including the common cold, scaring the hell out of Oprah on national television and Battlefield Earth. And the only way to get rid of them is by holding two cans of soup together while telling someone all of your secrets until you’re broke. Not convinced? Here are a few of the most important people in the world who have already signed Scientology’s billion year contract:

Along with pumping out tunes as DJ Mom Jeans and being the spokesperson for stoner slackers everywhere, Danny Masterson also kicks it with TC at Scientology’s classy Celebrity Center in Hollywood. Danny had this to say about his many gains: “I had a very hard time with being wrong and I always had to have my own way…but after auditing I was able to have my thoughts, communicate them and not have to be right all the time.” Well, when you’re always wrong you better be okay with never being right. Smart thinking. 

Thought Beck couldn’t get any weirder? Well, think again. The psychedelic popster is a second generation wacko and is married to Giovanni Ribisi’s twin sister, who are also Scientologists. In a 2005 interview, Beck came clean about his bad habits, “Yea, I’m a Scientologist. My father has been a Scientologist for about 36 years so I’ve grown up in and around it.” So let me ask you this, Beck. Is your head anywhere near or around your own ass?

After Linda Blair told us our mother’s suck you know what in Hell and blew pea soup out of her nose, our favorite demon child sold her soul to Scientology. Now instead of being possessed by the Dark Lord himself, she’s been taken over by alien spirits. Tomato, tomato.  

It took less than 48 hours for the world to shift its attention from the gaudy hats and horse drawn carriages of the Royal Wedding to the ultra-secret, Michael Bay style mission that finally took down Osama bin Laden early last week. New sites such as CNN and Yahoo quickly replaced headlines covering the pompous ceremony with images and reports of the newly slain al Qaeda, causing us to finally starve our Royal Fever.   

Read the rest of my riveting article by following this link ——> http://www.dirt.com/the-death-of-osama-is-the-new-royal-wedding/ to Dirt.com. Click the “like” button while you’re there. I’m self-conscious. 

With the average movie goer having the attention span of a third grader, it’s easy for a Hollywood mega star to go from being a regular at the Oscars to not even being able to get a reservation at Applebee’s. Today, Dirt takes a look at our once Hollywood darlings who we’ve now reserved a room for at the motel of broken dreams…

Click —-> http://www.dirt.com/dirt%e2%80%99s-top-3-stars-we-once-loved-but-quickly-forgot/ to read my full article at Dirt.com! Click the “like” button at the bottom to show me some love :)

The internets are abuzz today as reports that ex-Jersey Whore star, Angelina Pivarnick, has been knocked up by her probably pretend finance, David Kovacs. Honesty, I’m a little surprised it’s taken three seasons for one of these chicks to get drunk and prego, but at last here we are.

After ceremoniously exiting the show at the end of season two, Angelina has been boosting her resume with an IQ dropping foray into rap music (I’ve looked into it and no, you can’t buy back the four minutes of “I’m Hot”), an alleged new reality series, the lead roll in the I-swear-I’m-not-making-this-stuff-up film Whenever I Go to Stanton Island, Something Bad Happens, and can now add “mommy” to the list. And as fake happy as we all are for her, the real winner in all of this is Kovacs. Sure, The Stanton Island Dump is no Britney Spears meal ticket, but I’m sure with all that Shore money and iTunes royalties, he has enough cash to get a pretty sweet ride and at least a years worth of tanning oil. Bravo, brah. 

Carrol and Michael Middleton quit their jobs to start a small party supply store and end up making millions. They then give birth to Kate Middleton and 29 years later she’s about to marry the future King of England. 

God, I just want to chop off one of their feet and carry it around on a keychain for good luck.